Where's the rest of me?
From the film "Kings Row"
Click images for desktop size: "City Of Liberty" I just finished watching “Gridiron Gang”. I liked it. It was even better than the documentary on which it was based.
It reminded me too much of myself.
I stood up in front of the House Of Parliament and actually said, “Give me a sociopathic gangbanger and I'll give you back a middle linebacker. A young man committed to his team, his community and to himself.”
And I said it with a straight face and a deep commitment. I meant it and the fine young men entrusted to me kept proving me right.
I never knew if I was a good coach. I still don't. I like doing it but that might just be the control freak inside me. I do know there was never anything more thrilling or beautiful to me than a British kid from the council flats showing me a letter from an American School.
We won a lot of games - 134 against 14 losses. I got a lot of credit I didn't deserve and I worked like a maniac and loved it all. Getting the kids to try. Getting the money to take a bus to play a game 300 miles away. getting adults to respect what those kids were doing.
I loved it.
Then I look at myself now and wonder how I got so thin, not in physique but in spirit.
Sometimes I just want to go walking with my puppy and never look back, just the two of us walking off to whatever we can't avoid.
Like Groucho Marx I don't want to belong to any club that will have me. I am so much less than I was and sometimes it hurts me to remember what I've done and what I'll no longer do.Maybe I don't like growing old gracefully. Maybe I'm just tired of struggling just to stay alive, of always masking the physical pain, of being glib and humorous when I feel like it would be so much easier to quit.
I'll get over it.
I have to.
I've got a foster puppy with a prospective new owner. Whatever goes on with me I know I'm not bigger than the world. I know that no matter how much I crave it I'll never be all alone.
I don't much mind being misunderstood, or even ignored. I'm thick skinned. Insults, even from loved ones, don't stay with me long.
And my puppy enjoys telling me her good jokes. And some friends just won't ever go away.
And honesty is always a good thing even if you don't like answering the questions. Standing up in front of the Inquisition isn't great but its better than not remembering who you are or even who you were.