Click images for desktop size: "Nuklear" by Anonymous Ted Bundy is the only serial killer who has ever claimed that he used pornography to get himself "up" for his killings.
He said this when he was 10 days away from his execution date. He said it to a right wing conservative D.A. and shrink. It was generally seen as a ploy to get his execution stayed. An example of the "help" he could be in their investigations into the sick world of the pervo killer.
This flew in the face of the accepted theory that porn and violent sex crimes were tenuously if at all connected. Of course, the right
Click image: "Dwight Frye" by Universal Pictureswing jumped on Bundy's assertions. It proved what they always knew. We all like it when someone "proves" a long held desperate view of the world. Even when the one supplying the proof is a sick lying monster desperate to not die.
The only other mention of porn and serial killers is from one of the Bianchi's (The Hillside Strangler). They used porn to relax when they weren't successful in arranging a kill on the night. Not really much of the same thing.
Its odd though, because, even while pornography has seemed rather useless to the bulk of crazed sex killers it hold a special place for child abusers.

Click images for desktop size: "Aboard the HMS Bellerophon" by William Orchardson All child abuse is sexual, predatory and violent by nature. But even the child molesters who claim to "love" their victims seem to use child pornography. Not so much for inspiration but as an adjunct.
I'm no shrink at all. I don't know why this is. Its just something I've noticed. I also don't have a clue if their are guy out there who get off on child pornography who don't go out and actually molest kids.
But, like most of us I hope, I still find the victimization of those children to be a heinous crime and that even the casual viewing of that crime to be a crime in and of itself.
When I was asked to be a counselor to child abuse victims one of the parts of my training was to attend some group therapy sessions at a half way house for child molesters.
I entered the program pretty unsympathetic. After a month and 8 sessions I was even more hardened and filled with hate filled rage towards them. With a particular rage directed towards their wives and other members of their support groups.
That might seem harsh. It probably is. I don't know what other reaction can be expected when you hear a woman excuse her spouses perversion because her son, her seven year old son, was always actin seductively. Then to hear another woman chime in about how her 9 year old daughter had always been a "tart" and blaming her daughter for seducing her husband and getting him into this trouble.
I thought I did well in not jumping up and kicking them all in the head. I was amazed that the molesters didn't stand up and accept their responsibility. This was a halfway house and these animals were months from being released. Its the only time I ever found myself wishing for the
Click images for desktop size: "Untitled" by Unknown death penalty.
When I was managing that Self Storage place I met my predecessor and her mother-in-law. My predecessor had 4 kids with her. The mother-in-law and her were arguing violently in front of the kids. It appears that the son/husband was in prison for having sex with the 12 year old step-daughter.
The mother-in-law's contention was that if my predecessor had been fulfilling her "wiverly" duties her son wouldn't had to have gone "sniffin'" to get have his God given needs taken care of.
My predecessor's retort was along the lines that her 12 year old daughter was a little whore who she had caught kissing some 12 year old boy.
I didn't slug anybody. I was pretty calm sounding too when I told them they'd have to leave or I'd be forced to call the cops. I wouldn't have called the cops because I figured the cops wouldn't shoot them.
See, there are always monsters out there. We just don't know how to recognize them. Because they're monsters we don't know how to kill them. It takes people a lot smarter than me to figure out how.
One of the first kids they asked me to see what a 10 year old boy. His step-father had raped the kid and then rented him out to his pedophile buddies. They made films of it.
Pretty fucked up stuff.
They asked me to talk to him. He wasn't catatonic but he wouldn't socialize and he hadn't spoken for over two years. Who could blame him?
We let monsters loose in his world. We fell short in our duty to protect him. We all fell short. I don't blame him for not talking or trusting anybody.
I went. I got bored being quiet so I babbled about sports. Everybody knows I don't need anybody to fill in quiet spaces when I'm thinking out loud about sports. I talked about considering every angle when attacking a defense, making plans and contingencies on what you might think a defender might do and what he should do and what he might do to disrupt the play.
I'm very good at babbling nonsense.
On about the fourth "session" the kid couldn't take my general stupidity about American football and my negative impressions about soccer. He told me to shut up.
What he actually said was, "David Beckham is brilliant."
I still don't like soccer or David Beckham but I was grateful to him that day for being brilliant.

Click images for desktop size: "New World Order" by LawnElf We talked about sports for a long time, that day and a lot of days after. I was sure I left each day with him amazed at how stupid I was. I have no argument against him thinking that.
I heard from that kid yesterday. He emailed me. He's scared. He's scared that he's going to become an abuser like his step father.
I understand that kind of fear. My own step father hated me. He didn't rape me. His cruelty hardly compares and a lot of people would say he was just raising me the best way he could. He just belittled me. Always told me I wasn't good enough or tough enough. When I was the MVP of my Pop Warner team he cursed me for not being tough enough to be a line man. When I made all state it was because there was a thin crop of RB's that year and if I had any brains I'd have become a QB, like him. I was too stupid to execute a game plan. At least according to him.
I used to worry that I'd treat my son the same way. One of the happiest days of my life was when my 4 year old son came to me and told me that he'd been playing with one of my "forbidden to touch" guitars and had cracked the neck. I was ecstatic that he wasn't afraid of me like I'd been afraid of my step-father.
That's just part of the nasty legacy of abuse. It destroys permanently as in forever.
So in my weak kneed and ignorant way I understand what the kid writing to me was trying to express.
I wrote back as best as I could. I have no idea if I was helpful. What help I could be.
Times like this I wish I was bigger, stronger, faster and richer. I've stood in court with kids who've been victimized by the people who were blessed with the chance to protect them. I wished then as I wish now that I was a a giant ugly monster who could terrify the adults who hurt them, that I could be the terrifying monster who they knew was on their side - like Gamera maybe.
I'm always pretty aware of how crabby, weak and cruel I can be. Pathetically it only bothers me when I need to be big, pure and strong. I can't even apologize for it. Its what I am.
I've been overseas for the last 3 presidential elections. Maybe that's why I'm so caught up in this one. Maybe its because with all the grief that's going on in the world and all the nastiness of politics I've just now noticed that no one is talking about protecting the children anymore.
Bush, a maggot who is escaping just prosecution for his crimes, has appointed a new Czar?!? to protect the rights of the wealthy thieves in the RAIA.

Click images for desktop size: "Night Train" by Unknown Why isn't there a czar to protect the kids from the adults?
Who's watching over them. England is so horrendous in watching over kid's rights, protecting kids that I used to smugly think that at least in the USA we all viewed it as our predominant responsibility to protect all of our children. Even convicts are revolted by the child molesters.
Its not like that anymore. We don't instinctively protect kids anymore. We allow home schooling, unsupervised home schooling. Just by doing it. No vetting. We cut off one more possible pathway for a child to escape from hell.
We've got candidates fighting about unborn kids but I don't hear a word about protecting the kids that are out there now. Out there and at risk. Out there afraid and left alone.
I wish I was bigger, and stronger and richer.
If I was maybe I could tell somebody that the rich and powerful don't need special protection, not when the smallest and weakest amongst us live life terrified of each new day, for all those days bring them is more pain and torment until all they have left is the solitude of refusing to feel.
I told the kid, he's still my kid, they all are. I've yet to hear any of them resent that or object to it - being my kid, so I'll stay in that belief even if its foolish, to go seek out some people I know. They're professionals. They'll do their best. They belief in kids as much as I do and they're a lot smarter than me. We all know being smarter than me is about the easiest thing in the world to be, but take my word for it: They're a lot smarter than me and they are near as strong and big and rich as I want to be.
They will help and stand with you.

My internet is guaranteed to die today.
I talked to the phone company yesterday. They blamed me, of course, for letting them tell me a bad date for the change over to Dry Loop DSL. They also talked about the bill. I told them we were switching everything over to get the phone bill cheap enough to be able to pay! The guy actually understood that but I doubt if he has much say in anything.

Click images for desktop size: "Untitled" by Unknown The only issue will be when it comes back on. It will come back on. I'm pretty sure of that. I just don't have a clue as to when.
So panicking. I'm fine and not ignoring any emails or anything like that. Matter of fact most won't even notice a difference.
Some might even be glad for the respite.
Maybe it will go so smoothly that I won't even notice the transition.
I have an unstinting faith in miracles.
I'm experimenting with my puppy's site to let kids send postcards from the site. To let them design and mail jpg postcards! Its the only project that I really need the internet for.
I even yelled at my puppy and my friend yesterday. These things get to me. My puppy derved it. She was acting up. Maybe not that much but enough. She knew it. As for yelling at my friend, its never okay to yell at people.